Iron Palm in 100 Days

Day 1 - replace the tip of your right pinky with an iron prosthetic.

Day 2 - replace the tip of your right ring finger with an iron prosthetic.

Day 2 - replace the tip of your right middle finger with an iron prosthetic.

etc.

Titanic in a Tub

Some poor overweight kid is upset because now the school bullies call him "Titanic in a Tub." Thanks, evil toy boat manufacturers for giving the bullies that idea.

Babes in Kong Land

The little-known sequel to Babes in Toyland did not do well at the box office.

Curious Kitty

Imagine the twist ending where curiosity does indeed kill the cat.

Ballet Boot Camp Stretch

The Armed forces apparently take ballet.

Potty Training in One Day

Because of increasing iliteracy rates, no longer will we read books while sitting on the crapper. Now we will only watch movies! Thank you technology!

Chapter Hell

So someone decided to start marketing horror movies to dead people. Why didn't I think of that? There are millions of dead people out there, and I'm sure they like to be scared just like everyone else. Let's all hope everyone associated with Chapter Hell gets the fame and fortune they so richly deserve.

The Enigma with a Stigma

We are anxiously awaiting the religious-themed sequel, The Enigmata with the Sigmata.

The Girl in the Bikini

To: Marketing Department
Re: The Girl in the Bikini

Let's brainstorm - what would be the best cover of a movie called "The Girl in the Bikini"? Maybe a girl in a button shirt that exposes her middrift? Let me know what you think.

Bowser Makes a Movie

From the vaults of VH1's Where are They Now: Sha-Na-Na Special, we learn that Bowser went on to make a movie. A movie with a lot of half-dressed teenage boys in it. Sadly, he turned out better than any of the other members of Sha-Na-Na, especially Lennie.

Tai Chi Chih on the Rocks

I'd like a Tai Chi Chih on the Rocks with a twist. Make it a double! Last time I had some of these, I spread my arms and thought I could fly.

Mezzogiorno

I cannot tell if this is a travel video or a horror film.

Drinking Game

Usually you make a drinking game out of something annoying that is repeated over and over and over again. So expectations for this film aren't high.

The Family that Walks on All Fours

Nova exploits this walking-on-all-fours family for weeks before telling them, "You know, that back pain might go away if you just stand up. But don't do it before we finish filming you."

Basic Strength Training for Wheelchair Users

I am sure this DVD causes intense depression whenever it is presented as a silver lining to a tragedy. "Sorry about the loss of your legs, Carl, but check it out! Free DVD!"

A Visit to THE ANIMAL MAN

Children everywhere run in fear when The Animal Man whips out his lizard.

Drills & Techniques for Catchers

Let's just say when I first saw this title, I misinterpreted it.

How to Read Music

Hooked on phonics expands its domain, taking one more step towards world domination.

Sayonara Jupiter

Jupiter, throwing its weight around, makes an unprovoked sneak attack on Venus, causing Earth to enter Galaxy War II. Too bad the climax, in which Jupiter gets blown up, is telegraphed by the title of the film.

Recreational Kayaking - Essential Skills and Safety

The Essential Skills and Safety apparently include "ramming that guy in the kayak" and "propping your feet up to show that girl how you live on the edge, even though you star in a safety video."

Dickie Bird at the World's Greatest Cricket Festival in Scarborough

A DVD of The World's Greatest Cricket Festival, for those of you who want to watch the game frame-by frame.

Card Sharp - How to Cheat at Poker

Here's a great way to con someone out of $20 - tell that person you have the secrets to winning at poker and you will share it... for a small fee.

They should trust you. After all, you are a cheater.

Tai Chi for Inner Beauty

Following the lead of those "For Dummies..." books, the Tai Chi people are targeting people who think they are fugly. Don't worry, fuggos, Tai Chi is on the way!

Crazy Streets

With a cast like this, why isn't there a sequel?

Small Business Management Strategies

If the cover is indication, if you are a small business owner, you just sit back and admire how your VP made a dot-to-dot puzzle out of your world map.

One Shot Sam

Scott Shaw is the Patron Saint of wtfdvds.blogspot.com. Seriously, go to Amazon and search for films with him in them.

Out of all the films, One Shot Sam was chosen to be featured because we were hungry and the dude on the cover looks like Colonel Sanders.

How to Save the World - One Man One Cow Planet

Not to make the obvious redneck joke, but I've always distrusted secret plans involving one man and a cow.

Reading the EKG

As the Amazon.com reviewer Ed Mohan says, "Finally, an EKG DVD for the average person."

Average people everywhere celebrate in their average way.

Knitting - Fair Isle Vest

Is it just me or is this dude about to scratch himself? Not the best good way to advertise your sweater vest, if you ask me.

Coaching Psychology for Health, Fitness, and Mental Health Professionals

I once had a coach who's answer for everything was, "Drop and give me twenty!"

I sincerely hope Health, Fitness, and Mental Health Professionals truly appreciate his words of wisdom.

Breastfeeding FAQs

Because no one breastfed their children before the invention of DVDs.

1000 Points of Light

I have always wanted to see unrated widescreen editions of President George H.W. Bush's speeches.

The Admiral Was a Lady

Unlike the secret of The Crying Game, they decided to reveal the twist in the name of the film.

Nude Cruising

The unaired pilot for The Love Boat: The Next Generation finally makes its DVD appearance.

G-Thang I Got Problems

G-Thang decides to open up to his personal therapist in a very special episode of Ghetto Comedy Classics Vol. 1.

Big Ears

I loved it when Yosemite Sam called camels, "Humpbacked muleys."

Craig Kennedy - Criminologist

Everyone can sleep soundly knowing that Craig Kennedy is protecting them from drape-shooting criminals and women in low cut gowns.

Stop Mom Theresa!

Is this a film where Mother Theresa goes on a rampage and must be stopped, or where someone wants Theresa to stop his or her mom? The world will never know.

Uncle Pete's Funny Shorts

I remember Uncle Pete's Funny Shorts. He even let me touch them before my parents got that restraining order.

White Face

Dude, dat's racist.

Beer Drinkers in Space

I am sure this gripping, searing, and hard-hitting documentary on the NASA astronaut recreational program will be hailed by critics as "...Gripping!..." "...Searing!..." and "...Hard-hitting!..."

Just like every documentary about NASA astronauts.

I'm anxiously awaiting the sequel, Home Brewers in Space.

Secret of the Wild Child

This DVD cover gives out the impression that it is some sort of soft core fetish video - EXCEPT this was put out not by some sleezy dude named Murray, but by PBS staple Nova! I guess they only run it during pledge drive time.

Firehead

Since when does a circuitboard represent fire? The worst I've seen a circuit board represent is sparks and smoke. What are they going to use for the inevitable "Waterhead" sequel? A cathode ray tube, photoshopped blue?

Buy Sell Kill

Remember the last time you were at a flea market and you got bad vibes off that creepy guy who wouldn't make eye contact? Turns out it wasn't because he was socially retarded; you were creeped out because he WANTED TO KILL YOU!

Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating

DVD watchers everwhere need to get up off that couch and cram as much food into their mouths as possible. Try not to think about why some guy is apparently eating in the nude, lest all that competitive eating turn into competitive projectile vomiting.

Txt

When I was in high school, I contemplated having a punk band called, "Hot Font Explosion!" It looks like someone took that idea to the next level by having a font guy who covered other people in fonts just by kissing them, as if Helvetica were a social disease of some sort.

I bet you anything that if you actually watched the film, it would probably focus on text messaging, and not hot font on skin action.

Massage Nerd

This cover promises you the glories of a pasty white "massage nerd" rub up against a petrified mail-order bride in at least 300 different ways.

Good luck with that, Massage Nerd!

Forest of the Dead

Remember when Ricky Davis totally drew that wicked cool hatchet guy on his notebook in Mrs. McCay's 4th period Science Class? Some dude totally ripped him off and made a DVD cover out of it.

Shottas

No, I do not know what Shottas are. Who or whatever they are, they need a 2-disc special edition to hold all of their awesomeness.

Holla at Me

I wouldn't holla at these guys if I were you. Yes, I know they're asking you to holla at them, but trust me, it would be better if you just let it be.

Breaststroke for Every Body

Terry Laughlin wants to make sure every body gets their breast stroked. Unfortunately, since this is a "Total Immersion Instructional DVD" everyone who used it has now passed on after electrocuting themselves with a DVD player in a swimming pool.

Finding Preet

Will she ever find Preet? Considering how the DVD Box is not dominated by the sad and lonely girl at the bottom but instead by the happy, smiling, and oversaturated-red girl on the top, it is a safe guess that Preet gets found.

The Crow - Stairway to Heaven

All this box needs is an "As seen on TV!" sticker.

I am as surprised as anyone else that somehow Michael Landon became The Crow and went down the Highway to Heaven to climb that Stairway to Heaven. I am also surprised that TV guide felt the need to present this complete series.

Blocked

I have been known to occasionally test the corporate firewalls at the office. I love telling my co-workers the easy workarounds to a poorly maintained system. (Seriously, if ebay.com doesn't work, but ebay.co.uk does, you have a bonehead working in corporate security.)

Anyway, different companies have different messages for employees trying to surf the internet during work hours. I hope someday that someone in a corporation somewhere uses this image.

How to do the Robot

Several questions come to mind:

• Do we really need a DVD explaining how to do a 20-year-old dance?
• Is The Robot so difficult that we need an instructional video? I thought the whole point was to just keep your arms stiff at a 90-degree angle and jerk around.
• Why isn't the guy on the cover actually doing the robot?
• Why is the cover of the DVD advertising the website? Shouldn't it be the other way around?
• Do I really want to ponder why this guy is naked?

The Cradle

Is this the sequel to Death Bed? Spawn of Death Bed? Oh, Lucas Haas, how your acting career has financially destroyed the famous Haas Avocado empire.

Dark Portals

Stupidest video patron in the world loves Chronicles of Vidocq! Just listen to the testimony!

"I was looking for The Chronicles of Riddick, but instead saw this DVD depicting the Chronicles of Vidocq. The covers both have red skies, so, what the hey. It can't be all that different."

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD)

Be sure to ask your doctor if he or she has been to the Incredible Medical School!
As the box clearly indicates, this is only Volume 4 of the Special Topics video series. Which means there are AT LEAST three more out there somewhere.

Now imagine watching nothing but videos like thisfor four years. After that, wouldn't you feel like life owed you something? Now you know why your doctor gets paid so much.

Row Your Boat

In this experimental film, immediately after a character speaks the first line, "Row, row, row your boat," a second character begins speaking the SAME line. So you have the first character saying the SECOND line ("Gently down the stream") AT THE SAME TIME that the SECOND character is saying the FIRST line. This continues until a giant paddle (pictured above) appears and whacks all of the characters senseless.

Unconscious

Any movie that promises a state of mind that is not consciousness seems to misunderstand the fundamental nature of film.

Any movie that equates romance with a man forcing a helpless woman to smell his muttonchop seems to misunderstand the fundamental nature of love.

Mexican Werewolf in Texas

The real horror is that some marketer decided it would be best to play up immigration fears to sell DVDs.

Poof! You're a Magician!

There should be a series of Curtis Eugene Lovell II movies about his rich magical heritage and how Curtis Eugene Lovell I vanished under mysterious circumstances twenty years ago during some sort of magician's duel with his arch-rival Stanley Eustance Raspingini III. Until then, we will have to content ourselves with the excessive punctuation of Curtis Eugene Lovell II's Poof! You're. a. Magician!

Understanding Sacroiliac Joint Pain

We all know that the best way to deal with pain is to understand it. That way, you can reason with it and work your way to a good compromise.

Black Supaman

Here's a tip on protecting your secret identity- do NOT carry around your super hero costume in a bag with the insignia showing through the plastic.

Greek Gods American Gods Who Do You Serve?

In a twist ending, it turns out that this DVD is really a cookbook.

Platonic Solid Rock

Wouldn't it be awesome if I got some freeware 3D modeling program, made some spikey balls with it, and made them race. Then wouldn't it be awesome if I put it on Amazon for $14.99?

Because I am a first year philosophy student, I am going to name this DVD Platonic Solid Rock. These DVDs will be so sweet and I'll be set for life if I just sell a million of them.

Dare to dream.

The Ogre

Many people don't know this, but the Sweedish Chef on the Muppets is really named, "Volker Schlöndorff." While this movie was being filmed, John Malkovich received direction like, "Steek the glesses un yur feeece. Guuud! Gud! Gud! Dat's a guud Melkoveeechiee!"

Simply FOBulous

The world's first mail-order HUSBAND! apparently uses his high school yearbook photo to woo women with giant yellow claws growing out of their backs.

The Longing

Anything that is labeled "Guilty Pleasures Collection" should just come out and say, "We gave up on making a good movie long ago."

But instead of doing this, we get an image of some guy apparently longing. What is he longing for? A hairbrush? A decent towel? My bets are that if you slog through this movie, it turns out that he is not longing at all he is just hungry for a good meatball hoagie.

Dushman

Bitten by a radioactive dush, Dushman fights crime while trying to sneak a peek up his beloved's scarily discolored nostril.

The Ghost Gate

Once again the DVD production department saves a little money by handing over the cover art design to an 8th grader who has just discovered that Photoshop has layers.

Considering the color and texture of the substance covering the two people in the bottom right corner, I'd wager this film is frightening for all the wrong reasons.

Promise Keeper

Christian men who make a vow not to beat on or cheat on their wives apparently makes for the best horror, because you just know there is something sneaky going on there.

Sea of Demons: Demonio Rojo

Pop quiz - is Sea of Demons: Demonio Rojo:

A) A Discovery Channel-type documentary.
B) A low budget horror film about teenagers who don't have sense to GET OUT OF THE WATER and therefore have die by Demonio Rojo.
C) A combination of both.

The Amazon listing for this DVD added the subtitle (Giant Humbolt Squid) even though those words do not appear on the DVD cover. My guess is that the Amazon translator incorrectly translated "Demonio Rojo" to (Giant Humbolt Squid).

Anodizing Aluminum for Fun and Profit

Anyone can see the fun inherent in anodizing aluminum, but for PROFIT? There has to be a catch somewhere.

Goof Juice! My Sky

Recommended for Ages 1 and up because the still-forming, prone-to-autism mind will be completely defenseless to the parade of terrifying "Goof Juice!" images being force-fed into it.

This is how mental foie gras is made.

Okie Noodling

Noodling is the "art" of catching large catfish by submerging your hands into water and wiggling your fingers in a way that the fish will think that they are worms. When the catfish swallows your forearm, you lift it out of the water.

Please don't ask me how I know this.

Baxter

Sure, they talk big with their "He'll love you to death." tagline, but I bet you anything there is one of those namby-pamby "no animals were harmed during the making of this film" message in the credits.

If you take away the Photoshop Lens Flares, scratches, and excessive drool, this picture is ready-made for one of those "I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER" captions.

I HAZ TEH HUNGERS, K THX BYE

Haunted Boat

The haunted wood of the S.S. Minnow still cruises the Pacific, looking for lost and lonely three-hour tours to terrify.

"What's your greatest fear?" the cover of Haunted Boat asks. Right now, it is being forced to sit through Haunted Boat.

Porcelandia

Many people don't know that the current movie musical 'Hairspray' was actually a remake of a Broadway musical named 'Hairspray' which was a remake of a John Water's film 'Hairspray' which was a remake of 'Porcelandia' which, apparently, is Spanish for 'Hairspray'.

The Pursuit of Excellence: Ferrets

Your ferret is most excellent, Mrs. Cleaver.

Thank you, Eddie. I got it during my pursuit of excellence. I even nicknamed my third child "Ferret Cleaver" to match my other two children, "Beaver Cleaver" and "Weaselcheeks Cleaver."

The Pursuit of Excellence: Synchronized Swimming

The stage production of The Nutcracker is known for inspiring scores of young people to fall in love with ballet. Perhaps, the filmmakers were looking for a 'cracker-esque sense of joy and wonder when they set out to make The Pursuit of Excellence: Synchronized Swimming.

After glanicing at the cover and noticing that the swimmer has accidentally synchronized with a photo of herself on the spine of the DVD box, it is best to assume that the filmmakers failed.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

It is only fitting to begin with Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

This DVD is directly responsible for this blog being created. Because this DVD exists, Patton Oswalt created a little comedy routine/rant about it. The gist of it is this - whenever he gets stuck, he thinks of Death Bed: The Bed That Eats and realizes that the quality bar for most movies is really, really low.

I could write something snarky, but frankly, the Oswalt routine is funnier and more interesting.

WTF DVDs - Mission Statement

This blog is dedicated to showcasing DVDs that make you scratch your head and go "WTF"?

There are a lot of crappy DVDs out there, and not enough people are aware of it. This mission of this blog is to make people aware of how much crap is actually out there.

On one hand, this is incredibly depressing. On the other hand, it is inspiring - because no matter how dumb your movie idea is, it cannot be worse than Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. No matter how kooky your documentary idea is, rest assured it is no worse than the PBS DVD called The Pursuit of Excellence: Synchronized Swimming.

Those DVDs are out there, and you need to know about them.

No, I have not watched these DVDs and, no, I do not plan on ever watching them. I will judge them based on what I can glean from the cover and the Amazon description. So if you want some good cheesy fun reading highly literate reviews of dumb movies, go to The Onion AV Club because they do it better than I ever could.

I will, however, make sure each blog entry includes an Amazon link so those who just have to have a copy of Haunted Boat will not be denied.

Most of the DVDs were found in The Digital Bits' excellent Upcoming DVD Cover Art section. It is a great way to waste time when the work day is slow.